You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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