i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
