literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
