based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
