I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
