??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
