i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
