I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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