Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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