Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
