Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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