fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
