my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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