In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
