I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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