She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
