The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
