Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
