Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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