he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
