when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
