An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
