my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
