He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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