I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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