U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
