dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
