please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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