Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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