I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
