Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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