Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
