I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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