It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
