How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
