Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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