I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
