My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
