3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
