He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
