so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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