I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
