Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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