I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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