Barsexuality is the new black.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
