When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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