If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
