This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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