my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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