I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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