You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
