i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
