it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
