i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
